CHILDREN WHO ARE SHAMED A LOT FEEL LIKE FAILURES

Parents must constantly adjust their standards and expectations to match the child’s natural abilities. A child’s abilities change with age. Abilities vary from child to child. If a child is weak in an area, they need more help, to the point where parents may sometimes have to lead them by the hand. You don’t want your child to feel like there is something wrong with them when they make mistakes.

If you shame your child too often, it makes him feel like he is bad, good for nothing, or there is something wrong with him. He feels like a failure and loses his natural motivation for action and confidence.

Toddlers under the age of nine cannot yet help but blame themselves when they are shamed. Any punishment, disapproval or displeasure in response to a child’s mistakes will eventually cause them to feel shame. If a problem arises and no one else takes responsibility for it, the child takes the blame.

Until the age of nine, a child does not see the difference between “I did something bad” and “I am bad.” Before the age of nine, a person is not yet capable of thinking logically. The toddler reacts to situations as follows: “If I did something bad, then I am bad” or “If I did something bad, then I am not good”.

If a child who has not yet developed a sense of self makes a mistake, he has nothing to fall back on yet. If he has made a mistake, then he himself is a mistake. When a child takes too much responsibility for something, parents can remedy the situation by taking responsibility. If the parents take responsibility for something that happened to the child, the child himself will not feel guilty.

Many adults suffer from low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy precisely because they themselves have not yet learnt to see the difference. If they happen to make mistakes, they conclude that they are not good enough.

These people have already developed the ability to think logically, but they simply were not taught to feel innocent until they were nine years old. They may even understand with their mind that they are not bad, but deep down they still feel bad or unworthy.

An adult with healthy self-esteem responds to their own mistakes with acceptance and a desire to learn from those blunders. Below I give some examples of how a healthy adult responds to their mistakes:

• If I did something bad, it doesn’t mean I am bad because I didn’t know how to do better.
• If I have done something bad, it does not mean I am bad, since I have done many good things besides.
• If I have done something bad, it does not mean that I am bad, because now I can learn from my mistake and act better in the future.
• If I have done something bad, it does not mean that I am bad, because I can make amends or correct what I have done.
• If I did something bad, it doesn’t mean I’m bad because I tried to do the best I could. Others make mistakes too, and in doing so, they are not bad.
• If I did something bad, it does not mean I am bad, as I did not mean for it to happen.
• If I did something bad, it doesn’t mean I’m bad, since it happened by accident.
• If I didn’t do something well enough, I’m still good since I’m learning from my blunders and will soon do much better.
• If I didn’t do something well enough, I’m still good since no one expects me to be perfect.
• If I didn’t do something well enough, I’m still good since I’m just not feeling well today or I’ve had a rough day.
• If I didn’t do something well enough, I’m still good since the task was too difficult for me.
• If I didn’t do something well enough, I’m still good since no one is always on top of things.
• If I didn’t do something well enough, I am still; good, as I recognise my mistake and can correct it in the future.
• If I didn’t do something well enough, I am still good since other people could have made the same mistake.

In each of these cases, the person used logical thinking to make a distinction between “I did something bad” and “I am bad.” Research on child mind development clearly indicates that toddlers under the age of nine do not have the ability to think logically.

If you pay too much attention to your child’s mistakes, he or she will eventually begin to feel as if he or she is bad or inadequate. Instead of paying too much attention to the mistake itself, positive parenting focuses on correcting the mistake, solving the situation.

If a child knows he is good, he remains open to your guidance and co-operation; children who are shamed, scolded, berated, criticised a lot simply shut down.

From John Gray’s book Children from Heaven