“I CAN’T GO TO CHURCH…” The story of one repentant man

People come to the priest with various sins, but it is especially bitter to hear about the grave consequences that occur to those who blaspheme or mock icons. One such case occurred in Samarkand. The Saturday night vigil had already ended, and people were leaving. At this time, a guy appeared at the door of the church, very sick even in appearance. It was summer and hot, and he was wearing a hat and holding his head. A parishioner who was cleaning the church approached him: “Uncle, we have to close the church.” But he didn’t seem to hear. I sat him down on a bench and asked him: “Are you sick? How long has this been happening to you?” He told me his sad story.

“I was studying at the institute and was very ashamed that we had icons at home – my mother prayed in front of them. I did not believe in God. My mother’s “backwardness” seemed nonsense. How many times I asked her: “Mom, put the icons away!” – “Come on, son, how can you say that!” I argued with her for a long time, but my mother would not have it! I decided not to ask her anymore, but just to remove the icons. I hid them so no one would find them. My mother came home from work and looked and saw that the icons were gone. – “Volodya, where are the icons? Where did you put them? Give them back, don’t take a sin on your soul!” But no matter how much my mother asked, I could not tell her what I had done with the icons. She started to cry. Finally, she said in the heat of the moment: “You are a fool, you will remain a fool!” I felt uncomfortable with these words. But I was brave and went to bed as if nothing had happened.

But at half past two in the morning, I woke up with a terrible pain in my head – it was so bad that I grabbed my head and screamed at the top of my lungs. My mother called an ambulance, and they took me to a psychiatric hospital. I stayed there for six months, no matter how many times I was injected, my headaches did not go away, and I seemed to have lost my mind. My mother started crying and blaming herself: “Why did I say that to my son?!” She ran to the church, repented, and asked for forgiveness. But what to ask for when there are no icons… Finally, I made up my mind, went to the hospital, wrote a receipt to let me go home. But I can’t sleep at home: no pills help. Then I was told to go to church. So I came. I feel so calm here. Can I stay here tonight?”

So they fed him dinner and left him overnight. Then another night. And so he lived at the church for a month. They made him a bed in the garage, set up a wardrobe and a table. He read a lot – they gave him books… And his mother lost him completely: she went to the anatomist, the police, and the hospital, but he was nowhere to be found.

In a neighboring church she was told that her son was in St. George’s Church. She ran to us: “Volodya, you’re alive! Thank God! I thought I had lost you completely… Son, forgive me! Let’s go home.” – “Mom, thank God for everything,” Volodya replied. – “I’m not going home. I am happy here.” They cried, and then the mother asked him, “But Volodya, where did you put the icons?” – “Oh, mom, they’re gone – don’t ask me about it anymore!” – the son would say, gloomy again.

So for three years he lived at our church. But he did not enter the church itself – he did not dare. One day I asked him: “Volodya, come and help me read the memorials.” As soon as he stepped across the threshold of the church, he flinched as if he had been hit, and grabbed his head: “Oh!!! Father, I can’t go into the church!” and ran out of the church. Only within the church fence could he walk safely. That’s what an icon means! It’s scary not only to blaspheme it, but to touch it without reverence.

Fr. Valentin Biryukov, from the book “On Earth We Are Only Learning to Live”