A monologue from the life of a woman’s stomach

Monday

Morning

Well, hello there! What are you doing? You woke up, washed your hair, put on makeup, got dressed and are running to work? Where’s breakfast? I want porridge! Of course, come on, some more coffee on an empty stomach… No respect for me!

Day

You see, on Saturday you dreamt of cellulite on your healthy body. On Monday, you see, you’re going to go on a diet. And you probably forgot to ask me about it? Do I even need it? It’s a betrayal! No, darling, I’m not your hairstyle, you can’t do such experiments with me. I turn on the medium volume bubbling mode. “No, darling, this plain kefir doesn’t suit me. I won’t rest until I see something tasty. I increase the volume of bubbling and prepare for a demonstration performance.

It’s evening.

I’M HUNGRY! I DEMAND FOOD! GIVE ME A CUTLET! What else is hidden in the fridge? GIVE ME EVERYTHING!!! UH… What do you mean we’re going to bed? Hungry? Then you’re going to have to eat, not sleep! I won’t shut up! I’m hungry, don’t you get it? I don’t care if you’ve decided to go on a diet. I need to eat. Well, try to sleep, of course. I could really use some borscht or a chop.

Tuesday

Morning

Have you decided to keep torturing me? No porridge again today? You won’t calm me down with this cabbage leaf. I was so hungry I didn’t even realize how I managed to digest it so quickly. What a hostess I got!

Day.

I was running out of strength. I sent impulses to my brain to tell you that you can’t do this to us. But you give me that kefir again. I don’t want kefir! Give me normal food!

Evening

I’m running out of energy, but I’m still trying to bubble, and you don’t even pay attention to me. But you also noticed that the neighbors are frying potatoes, right? They must be golden brown and delicious… Maybe you could cook some? Burll.

Wednesday

Morning

Lettuce, really? Well, okay, at least something. But you should know how much I miss this pleasant feeling of porridge in me, it envelops me with its warmth and tenderness.

Day

Wow! Ke-fir-chik! Oh, good! Where are you going? Don’t take it away! Give me some more!

Evening

You should know how I look now… I’m not just shrunken, I’m starting to shrivel up here. Other organs are already laughing at me! Today I could barely manage two radishes that you decided to “pamper” me with. I’m going to lose my qualifications so soon!

Night.

You know, I remember when we lived with my parents. Those were the days! A delicious dinner every day! Your dad’s stomach and I just purred in unison with pleasure. What is it about this independent life of yours that makes you so happy?

Thursday

Morning.

Don’t drink coffee on an empty stomach! It makes you sick, right? I warned you. Can’t you at least give me a lettuce leaf? It’s just outrageous…

Day

Mmm, yogurt! Okay, I’ll digest it slowly, you won’t be able to do anything else for a long time.

Evening

I talked to the intestines, they’re all shocked by you. They asked me to tell you that they are almost out of supplies. They are hanging on with their last strength.

Wow! What are these? Plums? So big and all for me? That’s it, I’m digesting!

Night.

Listen, I couldn’t handle this many plums properly. I got tired of processing them out of habit. I sent them on, let them deal with them, they have 8 meters, and I’m a small, constricted stomach here.

Friday

Morning.

Well, yes, the time for morning procedures has dragged on. How did you think we were going to see off your undercooked plums?

Afternoon

Oh, my goodness! I got yogurt today! I guess after the plums you decided to change something in your diet. I’m grateful, of course, but I wish I had some more potatoes with meat.

Evening.

We are sitting at your girlfriend’s house. Are we celebrating something? Food, of course!

I don’t understand, is your girlfriend on a diet too? Why do I see only champagne and some newfangled snacks? Give me at least a sandwich with butter and sprats, or maybe your girlfriend will feed you cabbage rolls? We haven’t eaten anything in almost a week. How long will this go on?

Oh, my friend said you’ve lost weight. I don’t think she meant it as a compliment, you just look unhealthy. Do you already have dark circles under your eyes, what color is your skin, do your nails break?

Night

What did you feed me? What is this, an olive? What is this, a cucumber, a mushroom, an apple? What kind of fruit is this? Of course, nothing worthwhile, and it’s all mixed up. I’m still going to be angry. Let’s go to my parents’ for soup tomorrow, shall we?