Why my wife is more important to me than my children

I usually give my two teenage daughters a warning shot at 8:30pm. And at 9:00 p.m., I openly say, “It’s time for you to go to your room.” I say it almost every night. And every time they argue, “But why do we have to go to bed at 9? We’re not little kids anymore!”

“You don’t have to go to bed, you can do things in your room – but please leave the living room. Mum and I haven’t seen each other all day, we miss each other, and this is our time, we want to socialise.”

GIRLS USUALLY ROLL THEIR EYES AND SNORT.

Honestly, this rule has existed in our house since time immemorial. We have been parents for 15 years now, and it has never been the case that the kids take up ALL of our time entirely throughout the day. Yes, of course we are very much involved with them – but not 24 hours a day. We love our children, and they certainly play an important role in our lives. And we will always support them and help them.

But, there’s also “us.” Our relationships. And we still have to pay attention to making sure those relationships stay strong, close, and healthy. And here’s why that’s so important:

A HEALTHY MARRIAGE IS THE CORNERSTONE OF A FAMILY.

The cornerstone of your family is not your children. They are part of the foundation and a big part of everything else, but they are not the ones holding up the whole structure. The most important part is you and your wife/husband. And your children look up to you, take their example from you and, checking with your experience, choose their direction.

BEFORE THERE WERE CHILDREN, THERE WAS “YOU” – YOUR COUPLE.

There were no children at first. We fell in love with each other first, skipped classes together, chatted until the wee hours of the morning on the phone (it was still hanging on the wall then, and had a long cord), and eventually decided to stay together forever. We were at the beginning. And we got the whole family thing going. And only after that did our beautiful children come along. And we are terribly happy and grateful for that, because they give us so much light and joy. But our union is sacred. And it is that sacredness that we must guard with all our might.

AFTER THE CHILDREN ARE GROWN, IT WILL BE JUST THE TWO OF US.

Nothing lasts forever. Our children will soon grow up and fly the nest. I don’t know about you, but I personally am not going to coddle my 30 year old kids and give them another room – let them live on their own.

So, when they leave us, start their own families and raise their own children, I would like our relationship with my wife to remain as strong and close as it was in the beginning. And in order to secure that kind of future for ourselves, we need to work on our relationship now. It’s our relationship, not our children, that should be the priority.

WE NEED TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR OUR CHILDREN

As I said before, children look up to us and take an example from us. It is from us that they learn how to build and maintain relationships. I often say, “It’s the adults that need to be educated, not the children.” I don’t know about you, but I would like my children to grow up with a normal healthy attitude towards dating, falling in love, and family.

That’s why a healthy relationship with my wife is a priority for me – after all, kids learn by looking at us. That’s why my wife comes first for me and my kids come second. Very close to first, second – but still second.

At the end of the day, we can all be tired and stressed. And yes, your children need you, they are very important. They are in an important second place after your spouse. Not friends, not co-workers, not fellow hobbyists. Children and wife. And you should take care of your children, but first and foremost, you should take care of maintaining a good relationship in your couple. When children see how their father loves their mother and how their mother values their father, they gain confidence that they too are loved, important and valuable, they gain confidence in the world around them.

We live on a crazy schedule. To-do’s, to-do’s, to-do’s. And constantly kids – we give our kids a sea of attention. That’s why at 9pm sharp every day, I ask my kids to go up to their room. It’s why my wife and I make sure to plan a date a couple of times a month and go out together.
Because it’s important.
Because the first “We” came first.

Michael Berry