Children’s tantrums: what to do with them?

Children sometimes throw tantrums: they fall to the floor, bang their hands and feet, and destroy everything around them. Where does this come from and what to do about it?

Sometimes people say that children’s tantrums are always a reaction to an adult, a response to the fact that there is something terribly wrong in the relationship between an adult and a child. This is not entirely true; it is a slight exaggeration of the role of the adult. Childhood tantrums have many roots; they are not only and not always a reaction to an adult’s misbehavior. Disobedience and tantrums are age-related symptoms, sometimes they are signals that a child is tired or sick, and more often than not, they are a test of parental fortitude, a test of strength: “Is it possible, parents, to disobey you?” Usually, children start tantrums by watching other children do it, and then try to throw a tantrum at their parents. If the parents actually allow the tantrum and reinforce it with their actions, the child begins to actively use the tantrum.

How to deal with tantrums and where to get the nerves to withstand a child’s crying? The answers are simple: do not allow tantrums from the very beginning. Remember that a tantrum is an emotion, and this, in turn, is only a signal to key people to convey information to them. On the other hand, show your child how to get his or her way without crying, namely, teach him or her how to make a request.

A magic formula: “When you cry and shout, I don’t understand you. Tell me calmly what you want.”

If the child is able to stop crying and asks you calmly, if possible, meet him or her halfway; the child’s correct actions should be rewarded. It is important that if a healthy child gets everything he or she really needs, he or she will demand less of what he or she just wants.

The main rule: “You are the boss”. Moms, you are in charge too! Do not fall for tantrums. Control your child, don’t let your child control you.

The best father is a strong father who uses his strength to take care of his child and knows that this is the right thing to do.

The main thing is to think about the future, to develop the right habits. Reacting to persistent tantrums is like putting out a fire that has already started. The art of parenting is not to skillfully defeat a child or successfully start a difficult battle, but to prevent the battle from occurring so that the child does not form the habit of hysteria. 

When a child asks for something, you say no, he continues to ask, then whines, then cries, and then you agree. This is absolutely the way to raise a tantrum. The child must understand that yes is yes, and no is no. The basic principle of behaviorism works here: “stimulus – reaction – reinforcement”. By indulging in tantrums, when you eventually fulfill the child’s demand (for example, a tantrum “pick me up” or “buy a doll,” etc.), you reinforce this stereotype of behavior in the child – “Tantrums work! This is how you can achieve results!”

The following is the experience of parents

1. Ignore tantrums

My chick was a year and a half old, but he was still a real bugger. I would put him in the stroller, he would slide down in it, so that his legs dragged on the ground and he would scream. I would stop, put him in comfortably, but as soon as I started moving, he would slide down again and scream. Once he did this to me again, I sat him down more comfortably several times, saw that it didn’t help, and rolled the stroller without stopping. We walked like that: I rolled the stroller with a stone face, and my son rode in it half sitting, half lying down, with his legs dragging on the ground and crying. After a couple of blocks, he stopped crying, and then he sat down in the stroller more comfortably and had no more problems with the stroller.

2. “I hung him upside down on my shoulder”

A simple technique helped me: if my children started to scream loudly and get violent, I would lift the child high up to my shoulder and then throw him over my shoulder, so that he was upside down behind me. If he didn’t stop, I would slowly let him go behind my back lower and lower, holding him only by his legs. Sooner or later, the child would hold on to me as the only savior and stop crying, because it was no longer comfortable to cry in this position and simply prevented me from holding on. Well, that was fine. Then we went on cheerfully and calmly. 

3. Going to another room

The following things helped me. The first is to go to another room in case of tantrums and leave the child alone. Since the child was crying to someone, the crying would soon stop. But this is not fast. If there is no time (today we were in a hurry to go to the doctor, and she suddenly became stubborn), then you can hug my sweetheart, hold her close and not let go. At first she pulls away, then starts laughing, and I tickle her… Everything ended cheerfully and wonderfully.

4. Don’t lie on the ground, you’ll get dirty!

When my daughter was three years old, I practiced a strict rule: if she fell to the ground on purpose, we immediately ended the walk and returned home. I had to do this only three times, and after that the connection between guilt and negative consequences was learned. And by the time she was five, I was already doing this: if my daughter was walking sloppy and got herself very dirty, I left it at that and sent her out in a dirty overalls, pointing out that she didn’t look as attractive as usual. And when she asked me to do the laundry, I would put her in charge: “You got your clothes dirty today, now clean them up.” Mutual understanding was quickly established.

5. The method of natural consequences

Nothing is more convincing to a child than the method of natural consequences. If he starts throwing toys in a rage, great, we take a big garbage bag and put all the toys in it. “I see you have decided to get rid of these toys. Good, I accept your choice!” Then, according to the situation, either go and throw them away (it is important that the child sees this clearly) or take them away for a while. Usually, putting away favorite toys even for an hour is a good lesson.

Similarly, if you go to the store and the child is capricious there, just turn around and return home without buying anything. Or even better, the whole family laments – oh, how hungry they are, how bad it is that they didn’t manage to buy anything… At the same time, they behave with the child as if nothing had happened, they don’t blame him. In my family, that was enough once.

6. When my daughter is a teenager

Indulging whims when raising girls is especially dangerous, as women are more prone to hysterical reactions than men. And later, in adulthood, the hysterical nature learned in childhood can completely cripple a woman’s life, making living with her unbearable for a man. As a result, such a woman will either be doomed to stay alone or spend her whole life changing men/cohabitants, hoping to meet a “prince” who is ready to fulfill all her hysterical requests on demand. If you don’t want this fate for your child, don’t fall for childish tantrums, bend your line calmly and methodically, without shouting.

My teenage daughter said: “If you gave birth to me, you have to take care of me! You have no right to take my things away from me! You don’t love me!” – ”Daughter, I understand correctly that now that we have dealt with things, you would like to better understand the legal component of the relationship between parents and children, namely, what are the rights and obligations of the child and what are the rights and obligations of the parents? I’m happy to tell you about it, you’re really interested?”